You hardly realize living with a stupor spirit, and even less how you acquired it. A search for sight and light.
I could not read the Bible
Many will now find it incomprehensible or unbelievable when I say that there was a time when I could do nothing with the Bible: not read it, not understand it, and not remember it. Nothing! When I went searching for God and Christ, I became truly and painfully aware of this (for the first time). Reading didn't help at all. Nothing really landed. Sermons didn't get through either. Only music still spoke somewhat and opened my heart and mind a little. That is how "As a Deer" soon became my 'song of life'. And that is why I started playing praise music as a pianist!
Your old life the cause
When I had just read Isaiah 29:9-14 about "the numb mind," namely about someone who could read but for whom the book was unreadable or a closed book, I immediately thought literally of myself and my situation at the time. And so I wondered what had caused my "listening and reading blindness."
An old life without God and Christ Yeshua, in which I took myself as the starting point. And thus arrogance, addictions, superficiality, learned behaviors from parents, worldly/cultural norms and values, and wrong examples from friends and family. Add a sauce of violence, sex, and gambling via TV, movies, games, and hormones to that, and you immediately understand the spiritual deafness and blindness. And yet you thought you were amazing...
Awareness, sadness & prayer
First comes the awareness that you are not so amazing, but sinful. And also that you do not understand or cannot change anything about it. And then a lonely and sad feeling full of emptiness grows. Fortunately, I had the praise music, and that did have some effect. But that did not make the lonely emptiness, the sadness, and the inability disappear.
And then comes the moment when you put that into words; and in despair and with sorrow, ask God for help in prayer. I wanted more. I wanted to understand, remember, knowledge and faith, and from there share my faith with others. And at the very least understand what people talk about regarding faith. For example, with a future spouse? The way things were going, it would never amount to anything. I realized that all too well 5 years after my baptism...
Shortly after that, Cafekirken!
It might seem like a coincidence, but shortly after that, I received an invitation to go to Cafekirken in Copenhagen, and it seemed interesting to me. Apparently, it is blessed work among the homeless and simply practical and personal, so not a "complicated Bible conference," but just musicians among themselves. So I didn't know what was on the program besides the journey there, and even less what God had in store for me...
However, the violinist in our combo had told me that my invitation came because God had asked her dad (the musical leader of the combo) to do so, which I found slightly surprising but didn't really think much further about. Read on for my testimony & about the consequences.
My old life changed
Of course, God blessed me there and equipped me with the Gifts of the Spirit. And not just a little bit, either. Although my faith was still very basic in 1 God and in 1 Lord (John17:3+John14:1); virtually unsupplemented by Bible knowledge, yet much had changed in my life during those 5 years:
1. Gradually dealt with basic addictions including work, alcohol, smoking, gambling, and casual sex.
2. Arrogance was gone, and the awareness of being sinful hit hard.
3. So I knew God's 10 Commandments well enough by then...
4. Prayer got going in fits and starts. With that, a personal conversation and the relationship with God and with Christ clearly grew.
5. Desperate hunger and thirst for more knowledge, faith, faith experience, and "contact."
6. Praise & worship music shaped me, nourished me, and seemed to uplift me. Starting to sing also helped with that.
And so, there in Copenhagen, God decided it was time to free me from the spirit that kept me deaf, illiterate, sinful, and stupid.
A new beginning
And then my life of faith truly began
proactively full of experience, too. But not without getting to know Yeshua better as well. God was always central to me because there is only 1 true God YHWH who is Spirit. However: without Christ, there is no access to God and, even more importantly: no forgiveness for sins committed without appealing to Yeshua.
And no: I am still not perfect. Through falling and getting back up, your life continues. Before I write this personal reflection and while writing it, I also pray to Yeshua and to God, because I cannot do without their help. And I have the song "We want to come closer" by Lize Hadassah Wiid on auto repeat while doing so...
Important regarding a stupor spirit
When I look back on my life now, I think that you must face your old life and need the realization that, in many big and small ways, it is contrary to God, Commandments, and Will, and that ignoring this has fueled deafness and blindness, emptiness, and rigid arrogance. And thus the realization that you yourself are not great and therefore cannot do it on your own...
The narrow path to getting rid of the stupor spirit begins with that, and even more so through changes in your life.
1. Addictions and ingrained habits have fed your emptiness and numbness, so you want to get rid of them so that you can become alive again!
2. You realize that you have sinned in many ways and that you need Yeshua for forgiveness in the sight of God!
3. You are therefore also going to adjust your prayer life and pray to Yeshua directly (John14:13-14) and acknowledge him as Lord/High Priest of God. In this way, you acknowledge him in your life and faith. Ask him for forgiveness for everything in which you sinned.
4. Listen to praise music that praises God and Yeshua, or even better, sing along and/or create that praise music yourself.
5. Take the time for this renewed path in your life, so that it truly becomes and remains your new life. Your faith, acting accordingly, and changing will thus become visible and noticeable; also to others!
6. It is now time to place your faith in God YHWH and in Yeshua. Baptism leading to Yeshua (Gal3:27) followed by prayer with the laying on of hands to God who is a Spirit (Joh4:24, Acts19:6) and the reception of Gifts.
7. Subsequently, personal proactive use of the Gifts of the Spirit is extremely important to stay alive and not fall asleep in numbness again! Proactively with the Gifts, you grow in the Fruit of the Spirit that is truly needed for this.
Breaking down a wall of sin
Breaking down a life full of accumulated personal and worldly organized sins is impossible without being aware of them, without honestly confessing guilt, without letting go of everything that is wrong and starting over. And all of that is certainly impossible without Yeshua! So get to know Him, build a relationship with him by praying to him, and ask him for forgiveness where you sinned and continue to sin. Just as I did, do, and will continue to do.
PS: Know that Yeshua was sent by the one true God to the sinners! (John17:3) And if the devil reminds you of your sins in the past, remind him of his future! Do not give up; Yeshua loves you.
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